A victim of domestic violence had
composed this threnody and posted it for the world to see and learn from
it ‘’I got flowers today… It wasn’t my birthday or any other special
day. We had our first argument last night, and he said many cruel things
that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he
said…because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… It wasn’t
our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me
against a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I
couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised
all over. I know he must be sorry, because he sent me flowers today. I
got flowers today… It wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last
night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than other times. If I
leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about
money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be
sorry, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… Lots of
them…Today was very special. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he
finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough
courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers
today.’’
It is important to note that domestic
violence does not always manifest as physical abuse. Emotional and
psychological abuse can often be just as extreme as physical violence.
Lack of physical violence does not mean the abuser is any less dangerous
to the victim, nor does it mean the victim is any less trapped by the
abuse.
Some examples of abusive tendencies
include telling the victims that they can never do anything right;
accusing the victims of cheating; keeping or discouraging them from
seeing friends or family members, and controlling every penny spent in
the household.
Others are taking the victims money or
refusing to give them money for expenses, looking at or acting in ways
that scare the persons they are abusing, controlling who the victims
see, where they go, or what they do, dictating how they dress, and
threatening to hurt or kill their friends, loved ones.
Intimidating the victims with guns,
knives; pressuring them to have sex when they don’t want to; refusing to
use protection when having sex or sabotaging birth control; pressuring
or forcing them to use drugs or alcohol; preventing them from working or
attending school, and destroying their property are other examples of
abusive tendencies.
Management
Medically, management of domestic
violence may take place through medical services, law enforcement,
counselling, and other forms of prevention and intervention.
Counselling is a means of managing the
effects of domestic violence. For the victim of abuse, counselling may
include an assessment of the presence, extent and types of abuse.
Prevention and intervention include ways to prevent domestic violence by advocacy, education and prevention programmes.
Management of domestic violence is broad
and entails having a safety plan in which the victims can make informed
decision and never pressurised to follow any particular course of
action. Only the victims can decide what is right for them in a
particular situation. Individual autonomy, self-esteem and
self-determination are encouraged and respected. Even if the victims
decide to return to the violent situation, they are not likely to forget
the information and care given and, in time, this may help them to
break out of the cycle of abuse.
Medical support
(a) If the victims do not wish to return
to their abusers, it is advisable for them to get the services, which
include protective custody from local agencies, Non-governmental
organisations offer help with contacting them. If the victims choose to
return to their abusers, they are given the phone number of the women’s
NGO’s or the women’s group for support.
(b) The victims may be advised to keep
some money and important financial and legal documents hidden in a safe
place in case of emergency.
(c) The medical team may help the victims plan an escape route in case of emergency.
(d) If children are likely to be at
risk, referral may be made to social services or welfare department of
the government if possible with the patients’ consent.
Domestic violence is not a respecter of
persons as it cuts across the social stratum, wives of pastors,
monarchs, doctors, lawyers, political office holders have also being
victims of this. Some few ones are read on the pages of newspapers but
there are thousands of women out there suffering from such violence.
Women who are victims of domestic
violence should be careful of where to go for help. They are advised not
seek help in another man’s home. They should not seek help or
counselling in a closed place with a counsellor of opposite sex. They do
not need to sleep in a pastor or doctor’s house while seeking help.
They should not engage in alcohol or drugs as it may cloud their
judgment
They should seek help in a professional
way in the hospitals, NGO’s, ministry of social welfare, among others.
Are you a victim of domestic violence? Call for help before it gets out
of hands. Call 112 or 767 (Emergency numbers) or 999 (The police).
This is a clarion call for women to
speak out since they are the disadvantaged when it comes to issues of
domestic violence. Some women suffer in silence and their cases
degenerate to such issues as suicide attempt, psychiatric problems and
homicide.
Domestic violence against men happens
occasionally, it is often unreported because of social norms and
pressure. Those that do report such may face social stigma and
denigration of their masculinity. However, such men who are victims of
domestic violence are also encouraged to speak out.
Domestic violence is both a medical and legal issue but this piece is largely on the medical aspect
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